The Greatest Gift - Chapter VI

The Greatest Gift

Chapter VI

                 Resurrected from the overwhelming tiredness and guilt that had been gradually eating at his heart just minutes before, Justin emerged gracefully from his room, with a scruffy but nonetheless pleasing wet look in his hair. He wore, after some quick thinking, a figure-hugging, dove-white and long-sleeved shirt and a pair of somewhat baggy, raven-black tracksuit pants. It would have been pointless overthinking what he might say or do next, except perhaps looking back in gratitude on the entire glass of water that he had just consumed in a hurry, for all thoughts, significant and trivial, blurred into one ash-grey mess, save for an incredibly intense longing, once he saw Caroline again.

                There she was, glowing, as always, and more beautiful than ever, as she lay against the right arm the sofa, with a glass of red in hand and a mug of hot chocolate beside her on the recently re-arranged side-table. She glistened with poise in her violent silk pyjamas; the perfect dress confidently expressed her enviable figure and magnificently reflected the blue and the golden lights especially as they continued to shine around the room. Even with the short distance presently between them, Justin could just about make out a tantalising, lavender-scented perfume, which he felt certain had not been bestowed upon her majestic splendour until very recently. As Justin made eye-contact with her, now with soft Christmas-themed piano melodies playing in the background, he felt as though he had never been more certain, in his entire life, of anything other than his present thought.

All of the dresses, all of the make-up and all of the jewellery merely made up pretty frames for an already priceless portrait. And yet, every accessory amplifying her beauty fitted perfectly, as if they had all been crafted solely for her use. Regardless, no artificial addition to her aesthetic wealth sincerely testified to the boundless depths of her heart. A heart that passed on frighteningly warm, gentle shivers through anyone in her presence, instilling a mood in them that defiantly mirrored her own. Just one smile could set your spirit alight for an entire day and you would gladly draw your own blood, so long as every drop might fall in the stead of her tears. A simple but tender touch made you feel like a diamond freshly picked from the river, cleansed of all the dirt of the past and ready to embrace your future, in the hope of realising your true value. And all the while she would shine on, a light upon the shore, guiding hearts like leaves in the wind, ceaselessly into her wonder.
     

            “Thank you for waiting.” Justin began.

            “No problem, sweetie. Come here! It sucks getting drunk alone.”  

            “You’re not really drunk, even just a little bit, are you?”

            “Of course not, dummy! Do I look out of it?”

“Never. I just thought I kept you waiting so long and got so bored that you felt you had no other choice.”

“No, sir! The waiting was sure worth it. Besides, I kinda took my time picking out the wine. This one’s from the Okanagan! The only thing that couldn’t wait was your hot chocolate!”

“I’m sure it’s now just right. Thank you.”

“Just sit, hey? Relax! ’It’s Christmas! And Hays says we don't need to be at her place until, like, late in the afternoon or whatever, so we're good!”

"Danny's okay, too, right?"

"You bet!"

"Great."

Justin took his place beside Caroline on the sofa. He appreciated the wine and the hot chocolate with the utmost sincerity but he would not dare drink it just yet. He needed to be totally sober and free from chocolate stains across his mouth, or, worse still, his shirt, while saying what he had longed to say to the woman that he longed to say it to, for what felt like an eternity. Caroline was now engaged with her iPhone, most likely still texting Hayley, or maybe even swiping potential lovers to the left or the right, when Justin took the fall.

“Caroline?” Justin asked.

“What’s up?” Caroline replied.

“I adore you. I mean… I really, really, really like you. I think you are so wonderful and I… adore being with you. I have adored your company for a long, long time and I’ve never had the guts to tell you. I wanted to use to stronger words. Really. But Danny says I can’t. And I think he’s right, kind of. I cherish being your best friend so much but I am now lying to myself. I want more. Forgive my intensity, but in a way, this is killing me, because I don’t want to lose what I have with you, but I want to be your world and not just some stopgap until you meet somebody else to fill that void in your heart. And, for what it’s worth, you probably know, maybe even better than me, how wonderful and happy you make me feel even now, and that you really would make me feel like the most special guy ever, if you felt even just a fraction of what I feel about you.”   

There was a voice screaming in Justin’s head to stop, suggesting that he had said way too much and that he urgently needed to give Caroline space to respond and breathe. The only consolation he could think of was that he meant every single word. There was just at least one thing that he had to make clear, he thought, desperately choosing his next point as cautiously as he could before proceeding to conclude his speech, with Caroline having dropped her phone and fixed her now tearful eyes upon him. Justin continued.

“I swear to you that I didn’t plan this. Not really. I truly just wanted a great Christmas with you, and our friends, but I can’t bear it, Caroline. I can’t stand this dishonesty. I want to be more than friends. And I want, certainly, to be one of the best parts of your life. And I know how screwed up my life is, and that you deserve so much better, but I can be better. You make me better. I know things won’t suddenly be perfect, just because we are together, but there is nobody with whom I would rather navigate the hell and the joy of life with, other than you. Please, I beg of you, my dearest, feel no pressure to say anything other than how you honestly feel. I can take it. I promise.”

Justin became silent. Caroline remained silent, still and set upon Justin’s teary eyes. The only significant movement that she had made heretofore was to place her wine glass upon the side-table, which was now so close to the edge that the slightest sudden movement would see it tipping over the edge and most likely smashing to pieces. Justin remained patient, albeit the suspense was destroying him, for she had perhaps waited longer to finally hear the truth, so to give her whatever time and space she needed was the least that he could do. Eventually, as clearly and as sensitively as she could, she answered.

“Justin. I honestly never actually considered that you liked me. Maybe it’s because I shut that part of me down when I’m dating, even casually, but look… you must know that I truly adore you, and I think that any girl would be very lucky to be loved by you. All this time, though, I never thought that you wanted that girl to be me.”

Restraining himself from almost arguing with her, for the last thing that he wanted was a confrontation with someone he loved so dearly, Justin continued to stay silent and listen, hoping that she still had more that she wanted to say.

“I really like being with you,” Caroline continued. “And I think all the time that I definitely don’t deserve all of the kindness that you keep on showing me. It goes to show how amazing you are.”

Justin was waiting for the bad news now. He was never going to get the ideal, straight answer but he urgently needed some clarity at last. Barely remaining steady, both within and without, he continued to listen.

“I’m done, sweetie. I’m glad that you told me. I’ve gotta go to bed now. We don’t wanna oversleep and miss Hayley’s party, eh?”

Justin could remain still no longer.

“But what about-“ He began, before Caroline gently cut him off.

“I’m touched that you value our friendship.”

She kissed Justin upon the check, lingering for just a little longer than usual over a tear clinging helplessly to Justin, now lost for good under her soft lips.

“What now?” Justin asked, unsure of whether or not the frustration was audible in his words.

“I’m not going anywhere, babe. Goodnight.”

Justin was lost. He had no idea whether or not now was the time to press for a clear answer. The pain was excruciating. Perhaps the worst feeling of all was that their relationship was now fractured and irreparable, as if everything that they had done together up to this point had never happened, or had no meaning whatsoever. So he would go on pretending and now she would too, for the rest of their lives. He thought that he had finally found someone with whom he could be as free as humanly possible, and that chance was now lost forever. And yet he still adored her, no matter what pain she caused him, and he could never explain it. Nobody could. He wanted her to be happy and so he replied with the only answer that his heart compelled him to give.

“Goodnight.”

Taking her wine but leaving her now cold hot chocolate on the side-table, Caroline dashed into her room, even now with a reasonable degree of elegance, and closed the door. A few long minutes later, Justin poured both of his drinks down the sink and slowly proceeded to his own sanctuary, numb in heart and mind, set only on lying on his bed until he passed out in the emotional exhaustion that followed from desperately holding back an outburst of tears and moaning.

****

   Sombre but mellifluous guitar and piano melodies filled the room from an iPad as Justin lay flat on his back upon his double bed, staring blankly at the ceiling and not thinking of anything in particular, save for the fact that he was still breathing in this moment. Having allowed himself a few minutes of self-pity, he knew now that he had more work to do, and more chances to find what he wanted, although he hated then and there the looming reality that it could be Caroline. He had just about tuned off the music, set his alarm and closed his eyes when a familiar knock came at his door. Suddenly alarmed but maintaining his self-control, he got up and moved to open the door. As he slowly pulled down on the handle, Caroline gently forced herself inside faster, causing Justin to calmly release the door and allow it to fall back against the wall, leaving his room wide open. They both stood still, looking at each other, hoping the other person would speak first. Then came a sudden embrace, as Caroline ran over and hugged Justin while he remained in stunned submission, before carefully holding her against him, as tenderly as he could.

“What’s the matter?” Justin asked.

“Sorry,” Caroline said, without any trace of intoxication. “But I think you’re an incredible person, and I would be so, so happy if you stayed in Canada, more specifically here, with me, forever. If we can make it, that is.”

At first, Justin wanted to say something clever. Clear and sincere but clever, like in the James Bond movies, yet he realised now that the best thing he could do in giving his answer, was to be brave and take hold of the first opportunity he had ever had to show Caroline,with the free to give her his while heart, that he loved her. Looking nervously but pleasantly into her exquisite eyes, he closed his own and kissed her upon her lips, soothingly, noting through her soft touch that she was in turn reciprocating both his physical and emotional affections, tenderly, with a passion that danced so spectacularly with his own, as if this was at once their first and then their final moment of true and unrestrained love. 

They we now simply laying still upon Justin’s bed, peacefully in each other’s arms, yearning to hold onto and treasure for eternity every sensation that they felt flowing through themselves and each other this Christmas morning. No more words were spoken before they fell asleep, both having freely released tears of joy and allowed themselves to tremble together in blissful limerence, with the candle beside them still burning, joyfully bright, throughout what little remained of the eternally treacherous but gloriously humbled Canadian winter night.          

The End