The Greatest Gift - Chapter III

The Greatest Gift

Chapter III

                 With no work or social appointment demanding an emergence from the soft, warm bedding that always seemed to mould around whatever position he lay in during the night and consequently provide a much greater but well overdue degree of comfort the moment he awoke each morning, additional minutes in slumber soon stretched to hours until Justin observed bright pearl-white light shining relentlessly through his weathered silver curtains. Realising that it was not wise to squander the precious few hours of daylight remaining and more importantly that only a day that remained until the party that would see him cradled in the company of the most significant individuals of his Canadian life into the opening hours of the big day, he suddenly raced through his morning errands as if tomorrow was not an option. Noon had just about entered when Justin came out of his room, dressed in a light blue polo shirt complimented by a worn set of navy blue jeans and defiantly white socks, observing Caroline resting peacefully upon the sofa enjoying The Real Housewives of Toronto, in no small part, he felt, due to the almost full glass of South African red wine, tilting blissfully from side to side in her right hand.

                At first compelled to offer Caroline a lecture on the absurdity of viewing a reality show that could not have been further from truth, even if the attention-hungry cast were acknowledged as entirely fictional characters in the credits, Justin held back expressing his genuine concern for his dearest friend, wondering if she in fact agreed with him and if that very consensus between them was why she liked the programme so much. Caroline would often declare in defence of her daily indulgence of the show during extended university breaks that it provided material for her writing that was way too juicy to pass up For Caroline was drained from a semester of cut-throat examinations, momentous essays and squeezing in time for dates that often ended in crippling disappointment with potential lovers of, by her initial positive estimation, the finest calibre, being mostly handsome, well-built, confident and academic all in one, picked up, more often than not, from the nightclubs illuminating the otherwise sleepy city streets at nightfall. So Justin believed but never sought to confirm that she also achieved a masochistic pleasure out of a programme highlighting in every scene that even the wealthiest, most beautiful and strong-willed women made fatal, poignant mistakes within their diamond encrusted glass orbs open only to those in high society. Such a reminder that one was not alone in their the disparity between what their heart insisted that they deserved if they only fought for it long enough and what their viciously selective, victimising realities asserted in stark, cruel contrast, was willingly sought out each time Justin gave in to the Jerry Springer or Steve Wilkos shows under the pretence that they supported his studies. Of course the latter programme in particular offered some superb lessons on how to support those in desperate need, while the former show had its contestants drowning so deep in their rage towards each other or themselves that they would never really accept their predicament and never pay attention when it mattered. However, there were only so many times that one could extract inspirational pointers to help avoid repeating another’s disastrous history before accepting that there were many far more worthwhile activities that could be enjoyed instead. Put plainly, Justin hated confrontation, especially with those he adored. He was involved in conflict just about every day while out on his degree placements and had even accepted prior to his entry into Canada that not a single day would ever conclude without it, except if he spent the day in its entirety alone in a cupboard. Anyone who contested this inexorableness, he felt, was hiding something. No one he even remotely cared for deserved to put up with further negativity when he returned home from work, made clear from his departure from his home country and the messy separations from those who were bound to him by blood that prompted and followed the adventure. Presently, if he and Caroline were to squabble, it would not result from television show preferences, which, like any disagreement between them, entailed the high likelihood of Caroline emerging the victor, simply by utilising a little sarcasm or declaring whatever to win by default. Forcing all of this aside, Justin believed that because of all that she had done for him and his dreams, she could do whatever the hell she wanted. Yet the day was getting on and he thought that he should probably get the place ready for tomorrow.

             "Good morning, Caroline," Justin began. "How are you?”

“Morning, babe," Caroline replied. "I’m groovy. Come here!”

“Sure.”

“You can turn this off if you want. It’s a rerun that I’ve literally seen, like, ten times.”

“Wonderful.”

Justin proceeded to join Caroline on the opposite end of the sofa but not before grabbing a chilled can of Coca-Cola from the fridge in preparation for a lively conversation that might, for better or worse, consume the remaining hours of daylight. It began with Caroline seeking counsel regarding an aspiring young man’s online dating profile, which they both knew she didn’t need.

“What do you think of this guy!?" Caroline asked. "He’s cute, hey?”

“Of course," Justin replied. "If I was a girl, that is exactly what I would think.”

“Really? I’m still not sold, though. Look! After this pic, he totally has way too many group photos!”

“Isn't he not just trying to show you that he has friends?”

“Yeah… but seriously… he’s supposed to be the leading man here. Now I just wanna see if his hot friend on the left has his own profile somewhere.”

“I guess… He makes an effort, though, right? Look at his bio. Very thoughtful, no?”

“Uh huh. But it’s seriously sooo boring. He’s basically written a resume!”

“I suppose he really wants to stand out.”

“We he is. Just not in a good way right now.”

“So what do you even like about this poor fellow? Are you going to give him a chance?”

“I’m not sure.”

“That is a no then.”

“No, silly! It means I haven’t made up my mind yet. Do you think I should give him a shot? He definitely works out but... I wonder... he can’t be worse than that jerk from Lit 321 who hit on me last week.”

“I think… go for it. What the hell, right? Who knows where it could lead?”

“Exactly! Hmmmm…. If this app be the food of love, then, my darling, play on!”

After an excruciatingly long pause for thought on Caroline’s part, Justin was unable to tell at first which way she had chosen to swipe her latest wannabe match, until she blushed and giggled. A deep pink consumed her face in an instant. Her immaculate frost-white teeth gleamed in an elated smile that immediately put to rest any thought that she may have regretted her decision. Radiant azure-blue eyes were now fixed upon Justin, jestingly drifting from left to right, implying that neither Caroline nor her latest declined offer felt a feather-tingle of regret within their hearts, with their latest brief encounter on the online dating conveyer belt all but forgotten.

“So,” Justin said, relieved to at least pretend that he was now in control of the conversation. “I was just going to start setting up for tomorrow… eventually.”

“I was kinda waiting here for you to say that," Caroline said. "I didn’t want to wake you earlier. You looked so adorable all snuggled up with your dreams!”

“Oh dear! I wouldn’t have minded if you woke me! Honestly!”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be totally fine, babe. I ordered an artificial tree on our account yesterday that was delivered, like, thirty minutes ago. All that food and liquor and stuff from the day before was on that, too. I hope that’s okay?”

“Please, Caroline. Things like this are part of why we set up that joint account in the first place. I am just sorry that I haven’t helped much… or at all really. I don’t really have an excu-“

“Stop it. Did you think I was going to just sit here, watching tv and letting you have all the fun setting up? Tomorrow is going to be amazing. Trust me.”

“Are you absolutely sure? Really… you must just relax now. Just tell me where you want stuff to go and I’ll have it covered. With a bit of hard work and luck all in one, I should have this tree and all set up by bedtime.”

“No way! I’ve loved every minute of this. Folks are depending on us for a great party tomorrow. Hayley’s definitely coming over and she’s got a surprise for us! You’ll love it!”

“I see. She knows who might be joining us, right? Does this surprise involve everyone?”

“Since it’s you, babe, she is so stoked, whoever’s got an invite.”

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Me neither. How was the mall yesterday? Tell me everything!”

Justin hesitated for moment. He could not be more grateful to Caroline’s willingness to hear the whole recount of the previous day. A heightened pitch and raised volume in her voice indicated that she wanted to hear it. She did not remain perched on the couch with her undivided attention freely offered to him for an unspecified amount of time because she had to, even out of the most tenuous moral obligation that her conscience could muster. Yet, as he dashed forward to embrace her, resting his chin upon her warm, soft, consoling shoulder, with Caroline reciprocating the tenderness by gently rubbing her hand up and down his upper back, in spite of the fact that Justin had just caused her to spill some of the wine upon the light grey tiled floor, perhaps without realising, he began to panic that the party would be doomed to appear like a lacklustre affair if he took anymore of the time left for today to prepare for granted. Readying the apartment for the best Canadian welcome that Moses could ever dream of would serve him far better than diverting all attention to sharing and forming opinions over the gossip surrounding his dilemmas. Not that this is what Justin planned on doing exactly. There would be a time where a careful exchange of ideas between himself and Caroline would seek to help Moses in confronting whatever was about to permanently freeze up his passion for life if his clumsy pursuit of Abigail went to hell so soon. For now, though, he might as well outline the tale, as long as he did so while at least making a start on producing an imitation of Santa’s home on a student budget.        
  

“We’d better turn on the music and multi-task then!” Justin said declared. 

To have sat back and admire the finer details of what they worked tirelessly but merrily for the next five hours to set up would be saved for tomorrow, since they agreed without further pondering that neither of them would really know and appreciate the infectious healing quality warming the chilled dorm for residents and guests alike until the latter group viewed the interior decorations and were either excited or unmoved by them. Instead both Caroline and Justin headed to the sofa to examine the surroundings and see what remained to be done, while at the same time relishing the relief afforded to them by their efforts. With the country music played at Caroline’s request, which had heretofore propelled them forward to turning their once bland living room into a Noel-themed sanctuary, they compiled a mental check-list everything that trailed behind perfection as close as humanly possible. Lights, all illuminating just one crucial colour, hung for dear life around the room from Caroline’s many family photos and one particularly fragile, glossy portrait of a senior couple whom Justin had always assumed to be her grandparents hung in-between montages of the best parts of her memories with Hayley and other friends. Check. Small hand-cut paper snowflakes were stapled in no particular formation to the ceiling. Check. Snacks had been arranged in more tactical fashion across the kitchen counter, starting from the most likely to be eaten first. This would no doubt be adjusted slightly later. Check. Enough cola, beer and wine had been crammed into the fridge so that small gathering would end up tipsy by midnight tomorrow but nobody would throw up, except if someone turned out to be a total lightweight or got greedy. There was even a little vodka behind the snack line for if anyone felt underwhelmed b the initial selection. Check. Finally, they paid special attention to the centrepiece decoration positioned in between the entrances to Justin’s and Caroline’s respective rooms and therefore directly ahead of anyone who entered the dorm into the living and kitchen spaces through its only entrance. Standing tall and firm was a forest-green Christmas tree, holding onto every conceivable miniature Christmas ornament with all of its capacity from every branch in and out of sight. Once Justin took note that darkness had fallen and the room consequently became increasingly less visible, he jumped with Caroline’s eagerly sought blessing to take note of the extension cord arrangements ready to give life to the tree, turn on the numerous switches to at last grant that highly anticipated life for the tree and then turn off the nearest light switch, prompting the lights around the room and the more aesthetically adventurous bulbs swirled around the tree from top to bottom to dance with the darkness and together illuminate the room in a far brighter and more awe-inspiring fashion than even Santa himself might have thought possible. Check. Such a display demanded a photo, so Caroline grabbed Justin by both hands and animatedly pulled him up from the sofa towards the Christmas tree. Not one word of even playful protest was spoken by Justin while he remaining obediently beside the tree while Caroline ran in and out of her room to fetch her shiny matt-black iPad, prepare the timer and set it up in the best possible position on top the momentarily rearranged table. Normally, she would have just taken a selfie with her iPhone but there were at times memories that demanded more than a vanity-fuelled modern-day self-portrait, often taken under the most bizarre pretences. Certainly, Caroline’s mind-numbing beauty and angelic glow, underpinned by her effortless and yet expertly formed smile, would remain at the forefront of the picture, no matter how what else was in it. The iPad was at least large enough to fit in both Justin and Caroline the sort of backdrop that could only be captured by a spontaneous shot, no matter how many retakes dared to match the magic.
      

All of this had been completed while Justin informed Caroline of yesterday’s joys and sorrows in such a way that sought to portray Moses as a genuine soul seeking what he truly believed was the only connection that would determine whether or not every facet of his life had any value. While Caroline and Justin shared a great deal of consensus over many topics, Justin nonetheless feared she might adopt a firm line and suggest, based on what little she knew, that Moses was simply a creep who had no idea what he was doing and so risked getting himself and others needlessly hurt. However, Caroline’s attentiveness throughout Justin’s explanation and the raising of her hand to cover her mouth each time the pace of the tale quickened and grew more intense, induced a brief instance of guilt that forced him to remain totally still. Of course Caroline would understand. To even consider the notion that she might respond like those who pretended that romantic relationships were easy, or that anyone had even an ounce of control over what their paramour really thought of them was a terribly rash misjudgement. Caroline, like Justin, knew that this sort of affection made people do stupid things every day. They were both aware that they could never really provide an answer to erase the pain entirely or permanently. Never would they pretend to be experts. Instead, they would offer their counsel and pray that such guidance would pay off, should the person in need choose to act on it. Once, Justin’s recollection had concluded and Caroline’s carefully considered questions had been answered, they agreed to wait and in the meantime pray that tonight would go as well as it could for Moses. Caroline admitted that there wasn’t that much she could do, since she had yet to meet both Moses and Abigail and hear their alternative sides to the clumsy courtship. Above all, Moses would not be dismissed as a loser. He would not be abandoned.

Now well into the early evening, Caroline ended the silence warranted by their work in the dorm and once again took Justin by the hand, albeit only raising him to his feet this time before letting go.

“Come here,” Caroline began. “We’re going to church for a bit.”

“Tonight?" Justin asked. "You know Christmas Eve is tomorrow, right?”

“Of course, silly! Do you wanna come with me or not?”

“Always.”

“Then move it! Get your stuff!”

“Right away, boss. Just give me a moment, please.”

“Great! Just make sure you get your winter stuff on, hey?”

Justin came out of his room dressed for their winter expedition to find Caroline stood patiently at the door, dressed just as appropriately for a ferociously cold night awaiting outside. She was holding tight onto the large bunch of exotic flowers that she had placed on the kitchen table two days ago.

“What for those for?” Justin asked. 

“You’ll see!" Caroline replied. "Hurry!”

While Caroline did have one hand free to open the front door if she desired, he hastened to the door regardless and opened it for her with keen precision and unwearyingly awaited her to exit the dorm first, unsure what to think about the fresh wave of life prompting such a sudden assertiveness in her actions.

“Thanks, babe.”

“Pleasure. Lead the way.”

Now ahead of Justin in the corridor, Caroline held out her free left hand and kept it still. Her face was now expressionless, save for her inquiring eyes searching for an answer from Justin, as if even now she was for some reason offering him the chance to turn away and go back into the dorm and do whatever he wanted, leaving her to add the flavour of faith to her Christmas alone. He shivered for only an instant, certain that it wasn’t frost-induced, placing his right hand upon hers so that only their palms faintly touched. No time appeared to pass before Caroline slotted her fingers in between his, which even with gloves on was a process devoid of awkward pauses and bumps, before Justin gently responded in kind, now wrapped around and holding onto her as if he had just found her lost in traitorous winter-coated woods, desperately seeking, above food, shelter and all else, to fill a void, open from birth and forever demanding to be filled until it was too late by some ephemeral blessing. It was a sort of darkness that could not be illuminated by just any light. There was a very particular way she wanted to endure and enjoy her world that only this light revealed. Any other light might as well have just been an even more damning darkness in disguise. The tragedy was that one needed more than a few seconds spent under that light’s care to understand if its company completely filled that void. This could not, or perhaps would not, be offered. Not now. Not yet.
                   

Through fresh and freezing white snow they trudged, Caroline’s many years more experience of the Canadian winter evident in her ceaselessly short, quick steps that stuck to the snow and the sidewalks whenever possible, slowed down only by maintaining a firm grip on Justin’s hand, lest he should tumble after failing to avoid the occasional shiny space comprising of ice and later throwing his weight in circles when he became momentarily stuck in mischievous damp powder formations obstructing their path. They would continue to laugh together in the face of such adversity, unless Justin fell so spectacularly that he might bring Caroline and her carefully guarded flowers with him.

Faster than the speed of Santa’s world-touring sleigh, courtesy of the imagination’s warmth provided by laughter after observing a clumsy Brit re-learning ever so slowly how to walk through snow, they came upon a small United Methodist chapel from its left side. There stood a rectangular structure made up of weathered but defiantly proud coffee-brown bricks supporting a midnight-black triangular rooftop that peaked with a long, thin, prism-shaped spire above the entrance. They were too far to observe the pointed-arch stained glass windows but close enough for Justin to appreciate a reminder of home in the form of a building influenced by the Victorian Gothic structures that he had explored with his family on numerous occasions as child. For that was what he adored most about Canada. He found that the nation’s ability to pick nothing but the best of her influences from around the world but Europe and the United States in particular inspirational every time he witnessed it in action. Of course he knew that life here would never be devoid of problems, but the thought that he’d moved to the place that embodied the clichéd concept of the best of all worlds never ceased to motivate his most stubborn sensibilities. They were not, however, too far away to clearly hear a noteworthy number from the local community singing Christmas carols from inside the chapel. The building was lit up, like the Star of David guiding both kings and shepherds alike if they but only trusted it, by medallion-gold leaking in excess through every thin window, creaky wooden door or slight whole in the wall, indicating some kind of truly worthwhile act of fellowship underway inside the charitable shelter. As they drew closer to the chapel, now standing just a metre away from the closed but unlocked doors, with their hands now parted from one another, Justin became eager to learn what Caroline wished to do next.

“Would you like to go inside?” Justin asked. 

“Nope." Caroline replied. "They’ve started already. I can hear Amazing Grace right now. Just beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…. But I am have not doubt that we are welcome to join them, even if we are late. They would love a couple of extra voices. ”

“Maybe later. Okay?”

“Okay. So what do you want to do here?”

“This way, babe. Where we’re going is on the other side.”

 They continued around the front of the chapel until they were now stood on the right side, in the presence of mostly semi-circular-headed grey gravestones dotted around the flat open white space. While there was no particular pattern evident in their placing beside the chapel, each had a reasonable amount of earth between them. Thus, for visitors it would have been fairly straightforward to read each inscription when standing at a certain angle. Caroline, however, knew exactly where she was leading her confused but open-minded friend: to two particular gravestones slotted into the ground next to each other with striking accuracy. Still silent, Caroline moved forward and knelt in between the two gravestones, her knees surely trembling once pressed deep into the snow, placing the flowers directly in front of her and therefore right in the middle of the graves. Justin observed the inscriptions on the two stones, noting that they shared a last name with each other, and with Caroline. Scrolling down he examined the dates. Robert was born in 1943. Madeline, or Maddy as it was also written, was born in 1945. Seeking a reason for the presence here drew Justin to stare at the other dates. Both Robert and Maddy had passed away in 2012, a date that for Justin seemed at once like a lifetime ago and then suddenly felt like yesterday. Caroline no doubt knew that Justin had figured out the answer to his questions. Unsure of how best console her and raise her from snow slowly taking hold of her, he felt that she wanted him to make the next move, which may have been predictable but was nonetheless important. There was a story that she wanted to tell this time but she needed, from the boundless depths of her beautiful heart, to be certain that Justin wanted to hear it. Determined to help her get up in all respects, Justin began by sitting down beside her, unhindered by the fact that she remained fixed upon the frozen flowers.
   

“Caroline… who were they?”

“My Grandma and Grandpa.”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened?”

“How did they pass away? I see that it wasn’t that long ago.”

“It’s a long… okay… the story isn’t long exactly but… how I feel about it… that’s the long and complicated part.”

“Out here, Caroline, you know me better than anyone, except Danny. Maybe. But even there it is really too close to say. The point is… uh… you know that I cannot bear to watch anyone, especially someone I care about, suffer like you are now.”

“Sweetie… I’m fine. I’ll get over it. I just needed company this time. It’s got a little lonely now that I’m doing this for the third time. Nuts, hey?”

 “No. It isn’t. Please. Tell me. Let me listen.”

Uttering desperate words that begged with determined assertiveness was enough to at least take full control of Caroline’s attention as she turned her head and raised her tear-stained eyes upwards towards Justin’s. The cold, however, had grown impatient and broken through Caroline’s winter clothing. The hardened snow surrounding her legs and the relentless, perverted winds assaulting her at any visible sign of bare reddening flesh had combined in squeezing, scratching and biting her all over her hard-earned curvaceous figure, now entirely isolated in the wake of a problem that her exposed mind had yet to find an answer for. Unwilling to force herself out of the winter grip consuming her, she wrapped her arms tightly around her waist and gave way to sporadic shivering, staring jealously at the air escaping out of her mouth and nostrils, which briefly performed a flamboyant final dance of condensation before vanishing from sight, leaving its her subdued upon the malicious icy dirt to simply close her eyes and pray that it would eventually just stop.
         

“It’s so cold out here, babe." said Caroline. "I can’t move.”

At a speed that nobody believed he was capable of, Justin moved right beside Caroline, gently surrounding her upper body with his arms and pulling her towards him, away from the Winter’s chilling grasp, attentively allowing her enough room to adjust her kneeling posture so that her kneecaps and feet were no longer taking the brunt of the chilling beating and she became comfortably balanced in Justin’s warm and welcomed embrace. Safely locked away, at least in their minds, from the predator under the guise of Winter, the soothing, gracefully heart-immobilising sensation that was Caroline’s presence in this world would not be extinguished. Not tonight. Hopefully.

“Tell me anything you want,” Justin said.

“They loved me," Caroline began. "They really, really, really loved me for basically no reason at all. And I totally never appreciated it. Like… ever.”

“I’m certain it wasn’t quite like that.”

“Honestly. You have no idea. I never visited. They asked. All the time. I was always busy with something. Even at Christmas. I… I kept telling them… and myself… that I’d come over eventually.”

“They lived here? In this city? Is… is that why you came to study here?”

“Yeah.”

“But… by then… it was-”

“Too late. Exactly. I screwed up. Big time. They always came over to us in BC whenever they could. They’d come with tons of gifts and never got mad when we were a little late in saying thank you, like we never even needed to think of saying it. All they wanted was a little company once and a while in their hometown. Something more than just a message on Facebook to tell them that I was fine, even when I wasn’t. Golly… they never, ever missed a birthday either. And I could put up any stupid post on my Timeline and they’d like it.”

“They seem like they were your biggest fans. Hayley and I apparently have some competition.”

“They were Angels, too, you know. Both of them. Always telling me to go for my craziest dreams, never saying one bad thing about some awful blogs I showed them and way too grateful even if I just taught them how to use Twitter.”

 “I’m sure they knew how much you valued them. And I bet that they understood that you had school and stuff. They must have known how hard you worked.”

“That’s an icky excuse. I could have made the time if I wanted to. Right up until their time was up here. Nothing serious or shocking. Well… only shocking because I acted like I had forever to hang out with them. And now… I don’t. Even when Grandma went first I didn’t do more than I had to. They were crazy about each other, you know? I had never met a couple more in love. And Grandpa just didn’t wanna live anymore. Sure… he never went out like that. But he saw no point in staying around after he lost his purpose in life.”

“Caroline… you do know that this is something that just about everyone feels guilty of? I’m not saying that’s a good thing but… is this why you chose to study here? To atone for something?”

“So what? What’s wrong with that? How else are they or how else is anybody going to forgive me? I’ve been a total brat! An ungrateful, spoiled brat!”

“I have never met your grandparents. But my heart tells me that, if they are anything like you, in their eyes, there was nothing to forgive.”

“But what about-”

“Absolutely nothing. And the last thing that they would want is for you now to honour their memory by torture yourself like this. They loved you, expecting nothing in return. And you loved them. Even if you don’t think you proved it enough.”

“I try to now at least. My folks don’t know. Even Hayley doesn’t know. I have come here on my own every Christmas since I started college, just before going home or to Hayley’s family or something.”

“That is wonderful of you. Really. But…. please… don’t do it only to make yourself suffer.”

“Oh golly! I am so, so, sooo sorry! Please don’t hate me!”

“Why on earth would I-“

 “Because, dummy, I’ve ruined your Christmas, haven’t I?! What am I doing here? Crying like this for nought. I don’t cry for, like, no reason that much. You know that, right?”

“What I know is there’s nought to forgive. It’s alright. I promise you. It’s all alright.”

They remained sat side by side facing the two gravestones, with the carol service having progressed to a single female soubrette soprano. The vocal might have been mistaken by casual music lovers for the voice of Carly Rae Jepsen as it delivered the classic French Christmas carol, Petit Papa Noël. Leaking beyond the chapel was a relaxed tempo, a timbre of enviable innocence as bright as the candle flames illuminating the temporary shelter from which the voice effortlessly travelled. Well-rehearsed dynamics rose and fell with such controlled and yet teasing precision that they seemed aware of the presence of others stationed outside the place of worship and felt a joyous urge to invite them inside. Justin and Caroline had hit a moment of silence in their at first truly sorrowful conversation, both relieved by an opportunity to ponder over what they had said to one another and second guess what the other might state next, not out of some spiteful agenda to walk away as the didactic hero of the night but rather an ambitious hope to strengthen their friendship, or at least save it from any paranoia-fuelled belief that it may have just been permanently scarred hereafter by uncomfortable revelations or careless behaviour under pressure.

While Justin yearningly gazed towards the stars, as if they might spell out the answer to his most painful questions if he waited long enough, he maintained an embrace of Caroline so tender that it would have gladly been halted by the slightest movement on her part that might seek to indicate, without warning, a sudden desire to be released from it. As the French carol’s final verse drew to close, Caroline slowly leaned her head upon Justin’s lightly shaking shoulder, which became determinedly still in order to ensure that her flawless cheek achieved a comfortable degree of balance on the cushion of Justin’s think, soft coat. With equal caution she ceased her defensive hold over her violently aching torso and hugged Justin, clinging to him around his chest while he shielded her waist, as if letting go might cause her to sink into snow reluctantly moulding to her changed position upon the ground. A desperation rose within Justin’s heart because Caroline remained blinded by tears that apathetically burned her eyes and streamed sluggishly down her cheeks, lingering selfishly around her chin until forced into freefall by the incessant outpour of grief. Flurried thoughts fought for control of Justin’s final decisions required to heal the beautiful, broken girl who lay sobbing beside him.

The first concern of Caroline’s that he would put to rest, not that she need even consider it to be an issue at all, was her worry that he would no longer respect her, or perhaps never desire to be around her ever again, because here she had revealed a side to her that was, under the lenses of reality tinted with a light shade of cynicism, flawed. Clearly she had forgotten or refused to recognise that Justin had seen her cry before. Many, many times. Too many times, since for Justin that boundary was crossed in the first instance because to see her in pain brought on a horrendous sickness that would initiate in his heart with a sting, as if someone had taken a screwdriver and plunged it deep into the central organ, turning and twisting the sharp, cold metal at an unpredictable pace in order to dig out a sacred treasure. A distorted signal would pass to his brain in moments, only to inform it that that something was seriously wrong, offering no immediate solution and on occasion malevolently screaming that this pain was inevitable and incurable, at least not fixable through any means that Justin could employ. Then his whole body would grow lifeless in readiness for any sudden jerking movements from one or all of his now totally disobedient limbs, as if he were bracing himself for a seizure, now sensitive only to the very suggestion that Caroline was hurt. And yet, as he observed the finest outward details of her agony, he would at the same time feel an excited urge to shed tears of relief and somehow release a rush of energy building from within his delirious mind, be it through jumping, running or waving his arms in the air like an aerologist who after years of searching had made a life-changing discovery. Such a display was not a sadistic celebration of his friend’s torment fuelled by a desire for it to continue but rather a thankful praising of the fact that this girl was human. He couldn’t dream of playing the part of the Caroline - the Angel who everyone adored, who thrived on making others happy through even the least visible, most forgettable deeds and, most inspirational of all for Justin, always s reached admirable diplomatic agreement in her heart between two conflicting values shared by all at her present phase of life. Her ability to navigate her battleground of Conservative and Liberal tendencies, as if she were effortlessly solving a Rubik’s cube on the daily basis, particularly through balancing a proud but not delusional connection to her faith, a desire to succeed academically and socially in equal measure and an understanding of how to better herself, as if that was even necessary, in the same way that she supported others through their daily woes, had yet, in Justin’s heart, to be witnessed in any other girl in his lifetime. Neither could Justin hope to perform the role of the human being like she could. How could this Angel, who infected others around her at any party she attended with immeasurable levels of pleasure, suddenly break down in tears, just after the festivities concluded, over the most unnoticeable insecurities, over and over again? How could this goddess, who offered to counsel friends, family and strangers, even if they would never truly appreciate it, on problems never permanently solved, such as striving for the satisfaction of both romantic ideals and sensual desires, deciding with total self-assurance on the best fit career route, or how to lure out the courage to go out into the world and enjoy experiences frankly far better for them than achieving a ‘Facebook-Official’ relationship or life event, endure such turbulence in her own battles on all of these fronts? Justin had yet to figure out a decent answer. Ultimately, however, he didn’t want to. They only query he would never fail to address, even if his answer was the same a thousand times, was Caroline’s worry that he might think less of her for the slightest display of human emotion implying negativity. He wouldn’t. In fact, he sometimes wondered if, deep down, she knew that and for a reason that Justin had yet to establish and understand she needed to re-confirm that for herself. In fact, he wondered if she also knew that he worried about her going through more or less identical thought excursions about him. He dared not ask, choosing instead to revel in the conclusion that they would return home tonight closer together. Not further apart.          

 An angry, authoritative voice suddenly began screaming inside Justin’s head the moment his mind moved to rest. In a deceitful, mocking tone that Justin was familiar with, since he heard it at least once every day since he first heard of the sensations that women were capable of creating within him, often beyond his control, Temptation called. Temptation insisted, without any need for just cause. Then another voice that declared its name to be Love of the Best Kind, seeking to fill a void opened from birth to death, vied for dominance. This conflict would only cease, for now, through quick decision-making on Justin’s part, or else Caroline might notice his panicky nerves reveal themselves through overheating, shaking and sweating, even in frozen temperatures. Here lay an opportunity to turn the friendship he had with Caroline into something more. He need only select his words, tone of voice and mannerisms with script-like accuracy and be equally prepared for a few smooth executions of improvisation in response to her actions and he might just achieve something that part of him accepted was, most likely for his life alone, impossible. After all, how often in his lifetime did he ever get this close to a girl? How many girls had come and gone before with the highlights of their conversation being hey and see ya later before their part in his adventure headed for the Exit? How many people was this a reality with? How many friends? How many family members? All of them were eventually to busy or devoid of care to make an effort to include him as a significant part of their lives anymore. Caroline had often remarked that she loved how she could really talk to Justin. That confidence to communicate, through their words at least, without giving into the fear of negative judgement about topics neither of them would dare to tell anyone else was reciprocated by Justin in equal measure. Both were aware that they desired each other’s company, without any sense of obligation forcing the magic out of such encounters, even if their latest had now extended into months through living near the university together. If  Justin was convinced that Caroline felt the same way he did, valuing him just as highly as he valued her, why not take this opportunity to really enjoy the best Christmas ever, marked forever by the moment they fell in love and therefore do things with each other that surely they had both fantasised about in their most unpredictable dreams, even if against their at times overprotective moral barriers seeking to ensure they could still comfortably sleep at night. If this was how Caroline made him feel now, probably without even realising it, how wonderful, how special and how close to perfection might he and especially she feel if they, together hand in hand, word complimenting word along the way, took the next shaky, fragile step that seemed purposely positioned at an angle. To not take the risk, after so many risks before had been sprinted towards at other crossroads and revealed thrilling rewards, albeit the paths in those instances were clearer and the potential losses easily replaced, would surely be an unforgivable inconsistency in Justin’s enhanced fashion of conducting his journey in Canada and a bitter reminder of the colossal disasters he abandoned in the UK. To advance his relationship with Caroline right now, after she had opened up to him in a moment of despair seemed to slot perfectly into their ever-developing relationship thus far.

They had met through a chance encounter on a coach ride for students touring Ontario in February in attempt to salvage some joy out of another long winter, during which Caroline had no choice but to take the last remaining empty seat next to Justin. Momentum built at a positively alarming but immediately well-handled rate through simple, relaxed conversation. Justin neither tried too hard nor too little to impress. Of course by then numerous failed first meetings with girls had been comic tragedies, often repeating the same monstrously obvious mistakes way too many times but always patiently debriefed by short-lived friendships with sometimes the most random people offering to share dating advice with Justin simply because he was kind to them, even if just through words. Thus, by the time Caroline came down into his life, many of the skills for building relationships with the opposite sex even without the complications of sensual desire coming too heavily into play, were now firmly entrenched in his brain in such a way that they were rarely performed without sincerity. By the time their first meeting got underway, Justin knew many of the golden rules. Talk about her. Keep it casual, with no need for a deep, depressing backstory right away. Remember that she has to like you first. And, particularly important but not worth focusing on at the expense of the other guidelines, expect to fail. Hope by all means that something good will spark out of this but do not pretend that success was a foregone conclusion, or that any failure was always definitely his fault. As the coach journey lasting for hours on paper was reduced to minutes by their genuine focus one another, Justin in that instance truly did not care if he had finally mastered the roots of romantic love for himself. He was simply grateful that all of his experiences to date had granted him to confidence to avoid shaking, stuttering, trying to be funny and to stop being so consumed by a fear over whether or not the very normal way that he was sat on the coach seat might be perceived by a girl more beautiful than any whom he had spoken with for this long and with such a sheer amount of energy in his entire life. A small university community allowed for an unbelievable number of spontaneous encounters, the best kind according to Danny, by the university reception desk, the swimming pool, the cafes and even the shopping centre on a weeknight, when at least one of them should have been studying. None of this, absolutely none of this, had been orchestrated by either of them. However, both of them, especially Caroline, took advantage of such meetings to make subtle suggestions to draw them out, which Justin fortunately never had to decline in the wake of some other commitment. Soon they could talk about anything. Almost anything. Nothing too personal, yet. They were usually just random thoughts that neither of them would normally say out loud, such as when they noticed odd individuals waltzing around town and joked about them. Still, it felt like they could talk about anything. So when Caroline eagerly suggested that they move in together for their next year of university after a few months comprising of meetings that gradually became less spontaneous and more meticulously planned on a mutual basis, Justin could not have imagined a better way to live during the next academic year. While he had never explicitly said anything to Caroline about strong feelings that he happily suppressed for the sake of the sort of friendship he thought that he had forever lost in his country of birth, it struck him at times that Caroline had never asked about them, instead choosing to start entertaining discussions about how they felt about other people. Now that the subject matter of their conversation danced gracefully to the tune of bolder subject matter, was it time to try and change their friendship? Should Justin initiate its acceleration toward new challenges but supposedly worthwhile rewards? How can he be able to help his friends with their relationship drama and be totally useless during his own? Justin ceased his gaze upon the starts and turned to Caroline, who remained lying content in his arms, ever so still, save for the rise and fall of her chest for the sake of savouring the warm air as it departed from her lungs. Tears no longer fell and her tired, priceless eyes were aptly sheltered now that she had closed them. Watching her prompted one final urge in direct contradiction to the previous one, for he realised that he dare not disturb her now. Not while she was trying to heal her beautiful, broken heart.

What was Justin thinking? Using an event like this to show how romantic he was and use Caroline’s trust afforded to him in her moment of desperate need was selfish. Nothing but selfish. She was clearly vulnerable, in a manner that Justin had never really seen before. To take advantage of her vulnerability would be just as despicable as taking advantage of her if she were drunk. Neither situation gave Justin, as a man or as a human being, permission to behave beyond reproach so that he could satisfy a thirst within him made unquenchable by greed under the guise of a need for fulfilment. What exactly would he say? What on earth did he expect her to say? How would this change their plans for tomorrow and beyond? Did he have any idea what he committing to? What he was asking her to commit to? Almost giving in to his bizarre tendency to overthink the most unnecessary questions, Justin settled on the notion he to this day had stuck to as if it were scripture. Never, ever pretend to be her friend. Caroline deserved far greater than that. She deserved far greater than him. With masochistic discomfort he recalled all that he had known about that sort of love so far. The play during which the act of friends with benefits had been barely reached through a well-rehearsed game of making all the right moves at all the right moments and pretending the whole time that there was even an ounce of genuine, selfless emotion behind them, accepting that the same treachery was in play by his co-star. Even a kiss in this instance brought no pleasure whatsoever, as if he might as go and kiss a wall instead, denying its utter tastelessness. And yet he would hold onto that kiss, jesting that it would mean something if he tried something new, until the scene would end in shame, even when no audience was booing or even watching, and the two players would perform a different act, making out as if they had never, ever once reached the greatest level of intimacy of their lives with each other, well aware that it remained hardly worthy of an association with real affection. Maybe Caroline was the opportunity to finally start the next act in his romantic endeavours? Was he throwing away an opportunity to combine his bruised, confused heart with hers, which at least right now felt slightly familiar to him after all their time spent together. Noticing that the carol singing flowing through the chapel behind them had turned to much less eloquent conversation and glass clinging and chair dragging, Justin felt prompted to make a decision. Now. After a deep, anxious breath, slowly and softly, Justin proceeded to tenderly take hold of Caroline’s attention.

“Caroline?” He began.

“Yeah?” She replied, as if she had been waiting all this time for him to say something.

“Thank you for bringing me here tonight. Sorry if I haven’t helped much. ”

“Are you kidding, babe? You’ve been amazing for putting up with me like this. Thank you for everything.”

“My pleasure. Always. I guess the carols of stopped now.”

“For sure. Sorry we missed them.”

“There will be another time for church. Now, though, there’s something much more important that we need to solve. I probably should have said something a long time ago, instead of letting you sit here like this in freezing weather.”

“I’ve got you to keep me warm, silly! What’s up?”

Justin gently removed the glove from Caroline’s right hand, having just undressed both of his while they were talking. He unhurriedly placed his hand on top of hers. Caroline remained still while Justin closed his fingers in around her open palm, in spite of the sudden exposure to the bitter cold, gripping it tight as if doing might compensate for the absent glove. 

“You are freezing!” He declared. “I don’t want to rush you but again I honestly don’t think that your grandparents would want you to die just by staying out in the cold.”

“Still thinking about that poem? Honestly! Winter’s not that scary!”

“We’re still getting to know each other, I suppose.”

“Exactly. She’ll love you eventually. Maybe. Bu your right.”

“I hope so.”

“You’re right, though, hey? We have been out here for too long. Until next year!”

“So long as you are here because you want to be here. Not because to have to.”

“Yes indeedy. Oh my gosh! I’m just now thinking of your friend, Moses! I hope it goes okay for him tonight.”

“So do I.”  

Justin was the first to end the embrace that had up to this this point held off the frozen winds, rising to his feet and holding out his re-gloved hand to help Caroline up to stand beside him, before swiftly releasing he hand once again so that it might also wear a glove again before bedtime. At a luxurious, carefree pace they proceeded homewards as the evening and therefore Abigail’s party was well underway.