The Greatest Gift
Chapter V
Justin jumped up and stood by the front door
of his dorm before attempting to call his friend. For three rings the phone
tried to reach Moses before there an answer came, in the form of a voicemail
that had yet to be personalised by the phone’s new user. Optimism suggested
that phone signal from any cell phone linked to Smithers Solutions Service
Providers liked to let down its users often during the busiest days, especially
Justin’s phone ever since he had naively signed up to a three year contract
with them in haste, he told himself, to tick off one of a million jobs to
complete on the list laid down for anyone aiming to settle into a new country
as fast as possible. So he called again. As before, the cell phone lasted for
three rings. Then a silence followed, which, for a moment, was poised to last
for an eternity, before a deep, nervous voice at last filled the void with each
word screaming hints of a strong African dialect.
“Hello?” Moses asked. “Justin? Are you
there?”
“Yes!” Justin replied. “Yes! Sorry. I zoned
out for a minute there. Are you okay?!”
“Yes. I am fine. Great actually. Forget
yesterday. Tonight is Christmas Eve!”
“You know what time it is, right? Did you
sleep in or something? Winter does that to you.”
“No. Sorry it is so late. I did not forget
the party. We were just getting ready.”
“We? Where are you?”
“We are outside your room, I think. Is it
the one with the Christmas wreath over it? I hope so. Nobody else so far is
home!”
“Let’s find out, my friend! Brace yourself!”
Before opening the door, Justin remembered to alert his friends who were no
doubt eagerly awaiting the results of his conservation. “Guys! He’s here! Moses
is here!”
There was just enough time for Caroline,
Danny and Hayley to stand up and ready themselves not far behind Justin before
the door was yanked open, almost sending the wreath boomeranging towards the
kitchen and revealing not one but two stragglers stood outside in the silent,
dark, empty corridor. Shaking with a heretofore undiscovered pride, as if he
had discovered a treasure with a value that revealed itself to him alone, Moses
seized the opportunity to utter the next words.
“Justin…. friends… Last night, after that
party, I kept thinking while locked in my bedroom, where do I hide. I
could not bear the shame of what happened. When you answered my call… you saved
me. You saved me from more good times gone. And still I did not come here on
time. Please, friends, can you forgive me?”
Further stillness befell the entire dorm and
one could even hear the faint flickering of the candle still signalling the way
to the sanctuary of Justin’s bedroom. Justin smiled and put his hands together
in front of his stomach, letting them rest upon his consciously-held-in belly
that steadily rose and fall with his relaxed pace of breathing.
“Moses. Once again, there is nothing to
forgive.” Justin declared.
“Exactly, sweetie.” Caroline added. “Justin
was so worried you weren’t gonna show up.”
“We all were!” Danny insisted. “I was damn
close to trackin’ you down, pal. Glad ya made it.”
“I knew you’d come.” Hayley said. “I don’t
know or care about why, honey. All that matters now is that you’re here! And
the night’s still, like, sooo not done!”
“Thank you so much,” Moses said as soon as
he saw the opportunity to continue, relieved nonetheless that everyone was pleased
to see him but still eager to address a few more unanswered queries. “Geez… I
am sorry I am late, too. I had to call my father on Skype and speak to all of
my family. I was so good to see them again but video conversations are so
clumsy! Then I stopped just before leaving around twenty minutes ago and
thought about tomorrow. I can’t believe I almost came here ready to say goodbye
one hour later so that I could go to bed, ready for work. But forget it! I am
not working downstairs on that awful job on Christmas Day. I do not care if
they kick me out of the rez for it!”
“Atta boy!” said Danny, “Welcome to the
club, bro! Someone’s drinkin’ the place dry tonight! How’d ya come around like
that?”
“I have my kind neighbour to thank for that.
Everybody… this is Frederick. My roommate.”
Up to this point, the surprise guest,
Frederick, a small, stocky young man with a rounded face and untidy short black
hair had been waiting with commendable patience for a chance to introduce
himself and, he hoped, to make a good impression, even if through nothing else
but his bold efforts in taking the frequently tackled but nonetheless
underestimated and often nerve-wracking risk of making new friends. He
meticulously adjusted his rectangular black-framed retro glasses with clear
lenses and dusted off, without there being any clear need to do so, his
extra-large, thick, plain jade-black woolly jumper and his long, baggy running
trousers that featured the same shade of black, except for two clear white
stripes running vertically down both sides of both legs from waist to ankle.
“Hi. My name is Frederick. You can call me
Fred.”
“It is pleasure to meet you, Fred” Justin
declared while reaching out to firmly shake his anxious hand.
“Oh!” Fred replied. “I can hear your English
accent! It is so proper.”
“The Brits like to think so,” Danny said. “Where
are you from, buddy?”
“I am an international student coming from
China. Near Beijing.”
“Welcome to the party, sweetie!” Caroline
gracefully hugged Fred and pecked him on the cheek, causing him to blush with
embarrassment and attempt to hide it with laughter while she released him to
soak up the warmth of her embrace. “Make yourself at home! I‘m Caroline.”
“And welcome to Canada, honey!” Hayley
repeated Caroline’s introductory embrace with striking accuracy, even softly
kissing Fred upon the exact spot on his cheek that Caroline had blessed just
moments before, resulting in yet more nervous laughter that Moses, Danny and
Justin all reciprocated, not in a nasty, superior fashion but instead a
confident, more empathetic one, for they understood the elevating qualities
that their rarest female friends possessed in all their displays of physical
and emotional affection. “Quick question – what are what your plans to
tomorrow?”
“For Christmas?” Fred replied. “No plans. I
am alone.”
“Great! Uh… wait a sec… not the last part!
The first thing you said! Quick order from Santa – you’ve got plans
for tomorrow! Go it?”
“Uh… yes. I have a plan for tomorrow… what
is this?”
“Hold on. I’ll tell everyone a little later.
Come on in first!"
“Yeah, bro!” Danny agreed. “Come on in and grab
a beer, or two, or three! What job did you quit to come
here tonight? First off, you ain’t alone there!”
“I no quit.” Fred replied. “I will be fired.
I go to big, famous buildings everywhere and serve people food, drink and
garbage.”
“You are a waiter?” Justin asked. “For local
posh restaurants and places like that?”
“Yes.” Fred replied. “I work for long time
and get paid only a few dollar. And every boss shout at me. I was supposed to
work for today at a… how do you say? Enormous hotel? So big!
They say it pays a lot of money for Christmas.”
“That’s awful. What went so wrong, even
after all that?” Caroline asked.
“I go for a shift last week,” Fred
continued. “Only four hours. I pay for bus there and again for bus back to my
home. They say the pay is fifteen dollar an hour. On Friday I have no pay slip.
No money in my bank.”
“Why?” Justin asked.
“Because they mess up,” Fred said. “They do
not have my name on any list at the big hotel and I am not signed out. The agency
say I did no work there on their records. So I get no dollar. No money. I work
for free and the agency lie to me. They say, when I talk to them on a phone,
that they will help me. I wait forever and they do not call me back. Still no
dollar in this new week. I gave up. Idiots!”
“How can they fire you? You should just
quit, surely”
“I am lazy. And I hope they change their
mind and pay me my missing dollar. I can work when I want and my studies are
more important. But they will fire me to make this better. It can just find a
new job later. After Christmas.”
“So you are going to wait this out? They
will probably just delete your from their books and cover it up. You shouldn’t
have to worry about this haunting you in the New Year.”
“That’s horrible!" Hayley said. "The thing we do for our
dreams, eh? I can’t imagine what that’s like! I mean… I
acted in a play as a waitress in my freshmen year but never in a scene like that! I know what it’s like to be yelled at by the boss, though.
Yikes! You’re brave!”
“We will be fired together, Fred.” Moses
added.
“We got you covered, bro!” Danny said.
“Thank you, everyone, for commenting and for
kindness,” Fred replied. “I do not care about this job anymore. It was extra
dollar for school and then for holiday.”
Justin was overjoyed to observe that Fred
felt so free in their presence, able to open up so quickly and be so transparent about
necessary lies he told himself every single day, simply to make it through each
one of them, with his sanity intact. Justin knew that jobs were the worst for
it. Perhaps not always and not for everyone but it had got to a point where the
very word, professionalism, made Justin feel a little sick with frustration.
Recalling his unstable, mundane, pointless role at the post office back in the
UK, that word was just what his colleagues used to keep the wheel turning and
allow themselves to sleep at night afterwards. Of course there was always at
least one colleague with whom Justin developed a genuine connection, usually someone possessing the same power within the workplace politics, but, in all
other cases, it was totally shallow, constantly wary of breaking at any moment.
At best, this would be through colleagues simply moving on, hopefully onto
something better, into what was practically another world. At worst, the
breaking of his professional relationships resulted from a betrayal of some
kind, where colleagues temporarily ignored their own unique moral codes to
satisfy some sort of need and then pretend it never happened. In work, Justin
accepted, judgement was heightened to an extent that at times was unbearable.
Perhaps it really was just necessary, for to have everyone be so close to one
another might result in chaos, mostly out numerous difficult decisions that would
inevitably arise from trying to please everyone all of the time. Justin and
arguably everyone, he thought at least, simply accepted that they were trapped
navigating a cold system, and all that they could do was hope that they had at
least some of their morality intact by the time they had found their way into a
part of it that allowed them to breathe and be their more relaxed selves a
little more. To hell with such worries, Justin
thought. Now that Fred had released them from his bruised heart, at least for
now, it was time to embrace happier thoughts, since here Fred and his new
friends now stood, free from judgement, at least compared to their
hypersensitive workplaces, and able to blissfully laugh off all of the
pretending to their utmost contentment.
“That
attitude will do just fine!” Justin said. “Come on, guys. Let’s close the door
before we annoy security.”
“There ain’t nobody here!” said Danny.
“But it is cold out! Moses! Fred! Get!”
“No problem!” said Moses.
“Hey, Moses! What made you finally say, ‘Hi’
to your awesome neighbour?!” Caroline asked.
“After our call yesterday, I heard a knock
on my bedroom door. Fred said that he heard me crying and he asked me if I was
alright. I was so ashamed for a moment but we just talked and talked after
that. He told me all about his really hard maths classes and then about crazy
waiter shifts. It explained why he would always come in so late at night!”
“Thank you, everyone, for letting me stay here.”
Fred declared. “You are the only few people who make me feel welcome in Canada
since I start in September.”
“It is our privilege, my friend.” Justin
said. “Our pleasure.”
“The best gift that I could give Fred to say,
‘Thank you’ was to ask him to this party. This reminds me! I have a gift for
you, Justin! For all of you, actually. Here!”
Caroline and Hayley were in awe of the small
chocolate box wrapped in in sparkling gold with a neat red ribbon tied around
it, since it still maintained a glowing freshness that suggested it had been
wrapped that same day. Danny and Justin, however, were at first taken aback by
the familiar sight due to the sort of reproachful guilt that clung onto the
most tenuous links between people and what they perceived to be great
wrongdoings before they allowed themselves to be free of what was such
pointless guilt under the circumstances to join the girls in that same state of
amazement. The only direction from here on out was forward.
“You are the
greatest gift that we have received tonight, Moses.” Justin declared. Thank
you.”
“Speaking of gifts,” Caroline added. “It’s
time to unveil the surprise now, Hayley!”
“Got it, Carrie, “Hayley replied. “Gather
round, people!”
Hayley took centre stage, in front of the
Christmas tree, announcing with infectious excitement that it was her deepest
hope to have everyone over at her place tomorrow for Christmas dinner and
games. As she shone in the wake of the rainbow of lights that reflected off of
her jumper, everyone present was only too surprised to speak right away, for
not one of them had ever had a Christmas Day plan put in place at the very last
minute before. They had all been left wondering in the darkness, outside of the
security of long-established traditions that circumstances presently could not
permit. It only took one good person to be that miracle they all needed, and
someone now had to make clear that they wanted to embrace it.
“We’ll be there!” Justin asserted.
****
As if it was New Year’s and Christmas Eve in
equal measure, the party continued until midnight and just a little beyond,
prompting Hayley to be the first to wind down and head towards the door, with
Caroline beside her to see her off, but not before a long and animated final chat.
Danny, meanwhile, was with Moses and Fred, explaining the best strategies for
beer pong, having beaten them both single-handedly. Three times straight.
“If you FNG’s make through the winter,”
Danny said to both of them, “I’m smugglin’ your asses over to Mexico for Spring
Break! We’ll be a damn good team by the time I’m done with y’all!”
“Even now that I have no job,” Moses
replied, “I think I will still find the money for that. Geez! I am looking
forward to it already!”
“Before we go home,“ Fred added, “You should
add me. On Facebook.”
“Sure, bro.” Danny replied. “No biggie.
You don’t need to ask!”
“I understand,“ Fred continued, “but there
is no Facebook in China. They have their own one. And you will never find me
because I use Chinese letters. I will comment on your posts and you will say, ‘who
the hell is this?!’”
“Aw man! How the hell’s a girl from around here supposed to
creep you on there?” Danny asked.
“She’ll find a way. I’m sure.” Justin said.
In calm, music-fuelled silence that
followed, Moses seized the chance to take his leave, along with Fred, conscious
that he wanted to be up and awake tomorrow and at least relatively fresh for his
first Canadian Christmas dinner. Having narrowly missed out on Thanksgiving
this year, it was an opportunity that he intended to revel in whole-heartedly,
and remember in all its magnificent detail.
“Justin. Danny. Thank you. I know I must not
say it over and over again but, my goodness, what a week it has been! I will
remember you. I will remember this. Even if I finally find someone and I have
to change so much because of it. But somehow I am not as worried about it as I
was even a few hours ago. You have given faith in parts of my life where I had
none. I just hope it lasts.”
“We’ll make sure of it, buddy, " Justin said. "And that
someone will love you.
You won’t need to change.”
“Not who you are anyways,” Danny added. ”All
ya gotta change up, just a little, is what ya do from here on in. Stay out
there, being you, meeting all the folks ya can, havin’ fun along the way,
laughing off all your falls, and you’ll be all good.”
“Merry Christmas!” was all that Moses could
think of in his reply as he hugged everyone and left the party with Fred not
far behind, who in turn also hugged everyone present and took hold of as many bottles
of anything alcoholic that he could carry, at Justin’s enthusiastic suggestion.
They would certainly make up for what was missed in the wake of losing all the
beer pong rounds.
****
Caroline
and Hayley were still lost in conversation, as if this night was to be the last time
they were together, even after Moses and Fred had briefly interrupted them to
take their leave. With the energy in the room fading, Justin suddenly felt an
urge to think on questions that he had heretofore kept suppressed. Christmas
was a time where he, like most people, pondered over what was really valuable,
and whether or not that source of value was in some way being taken for
granted. An ache arose from within his chest, forcing him to press his hand
against his heart, unaware that the smile that had held firm on his face for
most of the night had now faded into frightened look of overwhelming worry, as if he had all of a
sudden lost the only reason he had for existing. He began to feel faint as the
nightmare took over, until a light pat on the back from an American Angel
brought him to life again.
“What’s up, pal?” Danny asked.
“I’m living a lie, Danny.” Justin replied.
He’d been caught. Why hide it now? Danny knew anyway. He had known all along,
really.
“You better get your ass sat down on that
there bed, man. We’re gonna talk this out.”
“But what about the girls?” Justin asked.
“They’re lookin’ fine to me. They won’t
notice. Sorta. Just don’t trip is all. Get!”
“Sure thing.”
The gentlemen headed into Justin’s room and
closed the door slightly, just enough to allow for conversation barely louder
than a whisper to proceed without distracting the other guests. They sat not
far apart on the bed, with Justin positioned closest to the candle in order to
steal what warmth was left as it continued to burn, with not a whole lot of wax
left to keep the flame alive for much longer. Danny waited for Justin to begin
what might be one hell of a talk, even for them. Determined not to be too
selfish, Justin began fairly off-topic. To do this was all that Justin could think
of in a desperate attempt to show gratitude to his friend for bailing him out,
again.
“Danny,” Justin began. “For what it is
worth, I know I can analyse the hell out of people and everything else, but, seriously, I really think that Hayley still… loves you. And I keep thinking
that you might at least like her right now, but because of what happened to
you, you don’t feel worthy.”
“Aw shucks, man,” Danny replied. “Cool it. I
get a great vibe from her and all, but I dunno, man. She’s got her big-ass
dreams with the movies and I can’t stand up to them. Not little old me. Don’t I
keep tellin’ y’all? I don’t need her, or anybody, right now.”
“The thing is that I think all of that stuff with
Hollywood is so prevalent within her because she just really wants to be
somebody’s star, and of course she wants that somebody to be hers, too. Because of what’s
happened to her, she, with what some might say good reason, thinks that she
would be more likely to make it big in Hollywood and be a star for everyone,
and no-one. She seems more certain that she’ll win the showbusiness lottery, as DiCaprio
once sort of put it, than the one where she might find a guy who really loves her.
Sorry. I’m talking so soppily.”
“It wouldn’t be you if this went any other
way. So you’re good, pal. I guess, after everything went to hell with my
pop’s business and all besides, I didn’t feel worthy is all. Kinda like you,
and I bet like a lot of lost souls out here this side of the border, I had to
find my worth again. So I came up here. Don’t go tellin’ nobody. Not even Hays, okay? But damn if
there’s one cowboy who sure has helped me feel some sweet kinda special again,
it’s you. But I ain’t kissin’ ya, Shakespeare.”
“You know I wouldn’t. I’m not saying rush
into this, for what it’s worth, but give it chance. I think that you might have
found someone truly special here, even if you feel you are not ready for it. Who is, really?”
“Who knows? Anyways, how in the hell did we
start off on this here thing with me? That ain’t why we came in here, is it?”
It was the great paradox of Justin’s life
that he and his dearest knew all too well. He knew exactly how to help others.
Or at least he thought he did. Yet, when it came to himself, he had, he
perceived, absolutely no idea what on this earth to do, except continue to find
ways to keep believing in miracles through good people, even if he felt that
such miracles may never happen for him in this lifetime. However, tonight,
moments ago, he had made a decision. He urgently needed someone to talk him
into our maybe even out of it. No chance. He was going to do it regardless. No
more running, hiding, pretending and denying. He just needed some kind of
approval, even if only through sharing it with somebody who cared, so that, if
it all went so wrong, someone might still be there for and care about him afterwards.
“I am exhausted, Danny,” Justin said. “I’ve
been lying to myself for months or arguably longer than that now. But I’m so
scared that the truth will fuck up everything good.”
“I still love it when you swear, dude. Gets
me every time. Imma just thinkin’ that we never played Riverside
tonight. What a damn waste!”
“This is serious!”
“I gotcha, bro. Look… how in the hell you
got yourself set up all on your own over here, facing down all those
challenges, but you can’t ever take a risk here with this here romance stuff is sorta beyond me, for a sec
at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know it drives me nuts when people play
the victim, especially with you, man. But I kinda get it. I can see clear as diamonds that you love Caroline. And that you mean it.
The way you light up around her is… messed up… in a good way that I can’t ever
explain. And how you’ve held steady all this time? I sure as hell dunno. But I can also see that you can't let go of your past, bro. You think because you're life ain't no fairy tale that all you deserve is to be a lonely, beaten-to-shit, miserable old gator.”
“I adore her. I just want it to be more than
lust. I’ve had screw-up after screw-up
and the best I’ve ever achieved is lust alone. Tasteless, fake, disgusting lust. My god, it is
there for Caroline but I want it to be so much more. And I know I have to work
for it, and yet, with what’s happened with Caroline, it doesn’t feel like work.
It’s like all the pain that I’ve gone through was necessary to make me ready
for this. But what am I thinking? I have no idea what she thinks of me. And yeah. You are right. I don't feel worthy either and I know I'm a hypocrite for it, by telling you how awesome you are, which I mean, while truly believing that I am cursed, like my very being on this earth was a mistake.”
“Dude... even if you were an accident, you sure ain't not mistake. Again, I don't talk this deep but you're blessing. And I know what Caroline thinks about you, too. I do. I think, anyways. I ain’t no bettin’
man no more, with the horses at least, but I’d bet she likes you, man. A lot.
She wouldn’t be here right now if there was totally nothin’ here for her. You just might be the best darn thing that ever happened to that girl. But
you gotta know now, pal. Sooner or later, she’s gonna stop waitin' for you. And I hope
that’s what she’s doin’.”
Justin became tearful, with his throat
drying up fast.
“I don’t want to lose her.”
“You got yourself this far. You’re gonna do
it again, and sometime you’ll cross that line. I know it. Take the beatin’ man,
because I swear, if this don’t work out, she ain’t worth it and you’ll gonna
find someone who is. I’m gonna do what I can to make sure of it but you know it’s
you who’s gotta finish this. Do it, pal. She’s waitin’.”
“But what do I say-“
Justin was halted by an enthusiastic knock
at the door. It was the kind that could only have come from Caroline, who had
revelled in saving Justin missing school or work due to oversleeping, with
banging upon the door that was as loud as it was fast, always instilling
excitement in the hearts of those whom it disturbed.
“Hayley’s ready to head out, guys! Come on
outta there!”
“No problem, darling.” Justin said with
forced enthusiasm, before turning to Danny in alarm, asking softly, “Did I just
say that? Darling?”
“Like I said before, bro. It’s you. It’s
Christmas anyways, so you can get away with that sotra feelin’.”
Danny moved quickly to open the door
before patting Justin on the shoulder and winking at him to snap him back into life, just before
the door opened and revealed them.
“Everything okay?” Caroline asked.
“We’re all good here, ladies. Time to be
brave and venture outta this here bubble. How ya getting’ home, Hayley?”
“My cab’s just outside,” Hayley said. ” I
just had to say goodbye. How are you getting back?”
“If you’ll have me, I could use the company.
We’d pass my place on the way. Kinda.”
“Sure thing.”
Justin and Caroline saw Danny and Hayley to
the front door of their dorm, taking their time as they said their farewells
and made certain to one another that they would all be at Hayley’s family home
in a few hours’ time, along with Moses and Fred, ready and able for a much
tamer but no less joyous round two.
****
Once Danny
and Hayley were far enough down the corridor towards the elevator, Caroline had closed the door and
turned to Justin, who was scanning the room in the peaceful aftermath of the
party, observing that their home was far from trashed but still showed many
signs that a good time was accomplished, hopefully, had by all. He quickly re-focused his
attention upon Caroline as she hugged him.
“Merry Christmas, babe.” Caroline said,
still holding him tight.
“It would have been neither merry nor
Christmas without you. Thank you. I’m only sorry that I have no gift for you
this year.”
“Yes you do, sweetie. You gave me you.”
If Caroline had not been holding onto Justin
so tightly, he would have then and there trembled uncontrollably. He needed to detract
himself, fast. He squeezed Caroline gently before gracefully forcing himself out
of her tender embrace, proceeding to tidy the room a little.
“I don’t want you to worry about any of
this," Justin said. "You just relax, eh? I’ll handle the mess.”
“You’re becoming more Canadian every year!” Caroline replied. "Honestly, sweetie, let me help you.”
“Please, Caroline. You do so much for me
already. It’s all good.”
“No more than you do for me. Go to bed
and do this in the morning at least? Or… how about we stay up, hey? Just a
little longer?”
“A little hot chocolate goes great with red wine
I suppose. I’ll just shower and get changed first.”
“Exactly! Well I’ll
definitely put on something more comfortable! I’ll see you in ten, okay? Don’t
make me knock again!”
“Never again. I
promise. Merry Christmas.” Justin felt compelled to take the chance and lightly
kiss Caroline upon her right cheek, yearning for her to know how wonderful she
was in his world. A kiss, in that moment, was the only way he thought he could
show her, for only here and now, at Christmas, did such a display of affection
from him seem permissible, as a way of proving to her that she was the light in his darkness. Caroline remained still, however, as if no permission
was needed. Ever.
While it was
well past one in the morning, well into Christmas Day, Justin needed a shower. Caroline
knew him well enough to understand. He was not a coffee drinker, so a sudden
splash of hot water was his way of staying awake and energised for whatever
amount of time remained of the day, or night. He may have allowed himself the temptation
to ponder over what he was about to do, or more likely quietly sob in relative safety
over the monumentally high stakes resting upon his next course of action, but
he knew that, now, more than ever before, he just had to be brave and himself,
unafraid to say what he needed and wanted and truly longed with all of his
heart to say, ready to deal with the consequences, like an adult, reliant on
little more than God for some faint hope that romantic love would finally enter
his life, either now, or someday.
